Understanding Backwards
Join Franny on a journey as she navigates her husband's addiction, uncovering her inner strength and resilience along the way in 'Understanding Backwards.
“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward.” -Soren Kierkegaard
Trying to keep him from hurting himself had become a juggling act, one crisis after another. It was a constant battle fighting him to stop drinking, disappearing, screwing up his life. And mine. He fought back. Hard. His six-foot-three-strength didn’t compare to my five-foot-six-defense, and I lost myself in the struggle. I just didn’t know it at the time.
He left me on the side of the road after knocking the wind out of me. When he walked away without a second glance something inside me clicked. Slowly, one vertebrae at a time, I picked myself up off the ground. It hurt to breathe. As if disconnected from my body, it hurt to feel. That night I promised myself it was the last time he’d knock me down. For the first time, the promise stuck.
Looking back on those years I realized that I’d checked out. I was living on autopilot trying to live each day without truly living. I couldn’t sleep or rest or eat. I was doing everything and anything to survive, which in my mind meant fixing him, controlling his behavior, controlling our chaos. Fear is a powerful emotion, and I allowed it to be my guiding force, which had damaging effects on my mental, emotional, and physical health. It kept me frozen. Isolated.
Living with an addict is an emotional rollercoaster. I blamed myself for not being enough, for not being able to put the pieces back together. I teetered between hope and hopelessness His behavior magnified my fears: fear of the unknown, fear of being alone, fear of change. I felt trapped and made decisions, like staying with him, out of desperation. I became an afterthought in my own life, creating barriers instead of facing the truth.
The chronic stress and anxiety I experienced all those years has left a scar like an unraveled knot in my stomach. Fear can be a signal something is amiss; it shouldn’t be a force that drives our decisions. It’s easy to look back and blame myself for not being stronger, for not seeing the signs earlier, but would’ve-could’ve-should’ve thoughts in my head won’t rewrite the past.
The moment I realized I wasn’t strong enough for the both of us, I chose me. I’ve come to learn healing is a process. It started with forgiving myself for the choices I made when I was struggling. I’ve acknowledged my pain and the wounded parts. Looking back, I had so many endings and beginnings they’re blurred into one.
Morning journaling helps me with clarity. Morning walks calm my nervous system. I embrace the journey of self-discovery and self-healing. Today, I know my past and the shame doesn’t define me. I’ve learned to recognize even the small steps as growth and to stay present in the moment.
Someone on Instagram posted: your best life is on the other side of fear…
I tap yes!
~Franny